always known

always known, though there wasn’t ever a right tone in the atmosphere. I always found a bone in my gut making it hard to investigate and dedicate my time. I underestimated my hesitation to this portion of my life.

Did I perpetuate to meditate on this vast matter about myself?

Gender norms, gender stereotypes, never been fond of. 

Bonding material objects with a certain human being that will never be an object? Detect that defect and connect it to be a neglect of disconnecting a mind from fucking clothes, colors, and vocations. 

I suppose.....there are some pros with some clothes because they can transpose you to something else. Be something else. Want something else. 

My heart wasn’t troubled but it certainly doubled in size when a delicate element which was in me that was only probed when talking about hair, make-up, and dresses would make me explode. I’m no specialist and certainly no perfectionist. But why do I have to wear things that make me feel uncomfortable. Why do I have to go and be competitive to mask all these anti-feminist tasks?

And then I thought Its not just what I want to wear its who I want to kiss. 

The first time I kissed a girl I was high and in a jacuzzi. I was 14 or 15. She was my best friend at the time. I had no attraction to her. I didn’t hear any wind chymes or some poetic rhyme. It wasn’t even sublime and nothing close to being prime. 

It actually kinda sucked. 

Tucking it into my sheets to beat it dead. I fed a lion ready to roar. Ready to be born for my own benefit. 

Then there was this night that I never fight to forget. 

She kissed my thumb and I went numb. I had become some sort of fixated figure in the room. I consumed no substance that would diminished my fear and neither did she. 

Come to my room and lay on my bed with me. I laid there paralyzed in thoughts that I no longer fought. Every chance she got to touch my skin and I could feel myself shaking with experience. 

Curious existence fled from my head and I was no more. 

She seized a battle in my soul that I had no idea was hidden so far deep in me that I couldn’t see what light was. I didn’t know what light was. 

A different she, a completely different she…tindered kind of she…tinder. swiping on tinder she. 

She was breath-taking to me. Wanting it to last longer, I called into my second job. An hour date turned into a four hours. Feeding off the excitement I kissed her in the street for everyone to see. Because to me those tiny seconds of when our lips matched together for the better, I wanted everybody to know that I was kissing her. 

In my past I have had to work on being comfortable saying I’m gay. Not that I’m not loud and proud. However I would hear my fathers voice in my head. It’s a decision, Brenna. It’s a decision. my heart would  always come to a collision because I would see this vision of me standing up there saying I do and misunderstanding why my father isn’t there. 

 

Though, I’m gonna keep searching for that girl who feeds me excitement when I kiss her in the streets and not tucking it into my sheets to beat it dead but instead I’m gonna be playing beneath underneath the sheets with her and make her some sort of fixated figure in my room.